Freeway Fun

The other day it was very foggy here in Michigan.  I think the weatherman called it "pea soup."  I was driving to work and I passed an electronic road sign that said "Fog Advisory." My first response was "no shit Sherlock!"  But then I said to myself "wouldn't it be great to have control of the electronic road signs and video cameras?"  The fun I could have with that kind of power.  I would use the video camera to see what people were doing in their car and then change the next electronic sign they would see.  I would do something like "HEY! You in the blue Lexus.  Quit picking your nose."  How about the lady singing at the top of her lungs?  I could write "HEY! Lady in the red Ford Focus.  Your agent called, the tour is cancelled."
I had a friend that was breastfeeding and she said she would drive down the freeway using her breast pump because it had a car charger and it saved time.  I think I would write on her electronic sign "HEY! You in the Jetta. You sprung a leak!"  I think that riddles would be great too.  You pass the question on the first electronic sign and the next electronic sign has the answer.  What about news, sports scores or celebrity gossip.  How weird would it be if you were Justin Bieber and driving down the 405 in California and see your name there and that you were just admitted to rehab. 

For some naughty holiday fun, on the way to your friends or family's home for Thanksgiving, look around at the people driving around you and what would you write on their sign? 

Is it ever too early in the morning for an MRI?

For the last 4 months I've been struggling with knee issues.  Both of my knees are swelling and "giving way."  This may be my arthritis or it may be my Fibromyalgia or I could have injured them during my last Triathlon.   ;-)  OK, I have to be honest, my last Triathlon was a month ago which consisted of me sitting on the couch, switching from football to baseball playoffs to the presidential debate as rapidly as possible.

My knee problems led to a lot of changes in my life.  First, because I was stumbling when my knee gave out, Vicki bought me a cane. I named it Louis for the Louisville Slugger in honor of my love of baseball.  Next change, I had to learn to take it with me when I left the house, including taking out the garbage.  This lesson was best learned at 5:30am one morning when I drove the trash to the end of our long driveway and fell while putting it at the curb.  I was on the ground, butt up in the air, trying to push myself up by grabbing a hold of the recycle bucket.  All I could think was, "don't let anyone see me down here" and "great, Vicki is going to say 'I told you to take Louis with you.'"  No one saw me but Vicki did have an "I told you so" for me.   The next change was the handicap tag that now hangs from my rear view mirror.  This will come in handy for Christmas shopping.  Lastly, I had to make time in my life for multiple doctors appointments. Not an easy thing to do right now.

So Is it ever too early for an MRI? I was up at 4:45am this morning to get ready for my appointment and work.  I'm staying at mom's for a few days so it was an hour to the MRI lab and I had to be there by 6:30am.  Let me explain one thing to you....Yesterday started deer hunting season in Michigan.  This means people with guns are in the woods looking for deer.  Understandably, this frightens the deer and they tend to run out in the road. I suspect screaming for help and flagging down cars for a ride.  Therefore, we have to drive a little slower on the country roads. As a result, you have to leave earlier and drink plenty of coffee to stay alert.

Once I arrived at the "U" (snobbish nickname for the University of Michigan), I only had to wait a few minutes for the doors to open at 6:30am.  It was clear I was going to be the first patient of the day.  This is a good thing....which I will explain why in a minute.  I completed the paperwork and signed off that I don't have any metal in my body.  I also signed off on paperwork stating "if you have metal in your body and don't disclose it and it comes shooting out at a high rate of speed the "U" is not responsible for injury or damages."  I know, comforting isn't it?

I'm siting in the lobby listening to another patient explain to the person behind the counter that he didn't need to fill out the "Knee Survey" because he is having the MRI on his hip.  She then proceeded to debate this fact with him.  I wanted to say to him "drop your pants and show her where it hurts, maybe then she would believe you."  But I restrained myself.

The MRI technician came out and calls my name.  I'm relieved that it isn't MRI Hip Girl from behind the counter.  We walk back to the dressing area and she puts me in a small room with a locker and tells me the only clothing I have to remove is my jeans.  She takes down a pair of scrub pants, size large, and tells me to put them on.  I tell her that they will not fit and ask if there is a larger size.  The tech says "yes, take two gowns and tie one around the front of your waist and one around the back of your waist. When you are ready, open the door and I'll take you to the machine."  When I walked out of the room, I looked like I was ready to perform in the musical South Pacific.  I almost broke out in a chorus of "Bali Hai."  I said to the tech, this is a joke right?  She said "what is?"  I said "this fashion style brought to you by Wright and Phillips."  She laughed and said you are lucky it is so early, otherwise, you would be sitting in the "holding area" with everyone else wearing that outfit.  I asked if this happens a lot and she said "everyday."  I said "why don't you request larger scrubs?"  The tech said "because it wouldn't be as much fun." So no, it is never too early for an MRI. 

 

Busy and Busy and more Busy!

I haven't written anything for over a month now.  Time keeps speeding up and I keep slowing down.  It was a bad combination.  I'm not going to take any time out to address yesterdays election because I'm so tired of the topic that I can't stand it.  I've started to have an allergic reaction to the political signs that are everywhere. Now that the political ads are over, the media can focus on the more important topics, Christmas Ads. Remember, every child needs an electronic stretch armstrong transformer with spider man web making capabilities. 

Thank you to the Wixom Police Department for finally catching the I-96 freeway shooter.  It's nice to not have to worry about driving to work and getting shot at by some attention seeking gun toting dude in a dark Chevy. 

The ex Detroit Mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick's, federal corruption trial continues.  His buddy and co-defendant, Victor Mercado, rolled over yesterday and took a deal the feds were offering.  Oh, why do I think he is going to sing like the jail bird he is about to become. Orange jump suits are in fashion these days ;-) This story is better than a Lifetime Movie of the week. I know I shouldn't take such joy in someones misfortune but I can't help myself when it comes to KK.

Beulah continues to do well with her training and her need to get a bladder infection at the most inconvenient time.  But is she ever cute.  I went a couple of weeks ago to pick her up from doggie day care.  Yes, she goes to doggie day care once a week, now shut up about it.  Anyway, I arrived at the same time as several moms and dads and waited my turn in the lobby for the staff to bring out B. Standing there I realized that we act and talk to our dogs the same way parents do with their kids when picking them up from day care.  One guy asked the staff if his dog was good and the staff said he played well with a Rotty (Rotweiler) named Roscoe and he bent down and said "good boy, did you have a good day with Roscoe?" The dog wagged it's nub of a tail and off they went to their car.  The next lady takes her dog from the handler and asks the dog "how was your day?  Ready to go home and see daddy?"  Lastly it was my turn and I found myself waiting with great anticipation for B to come out.  She ran out to me, covered in mud, rolled over for a belly rub and looked so happy.  I couldn't help myself, I said "Hey little bit!  How was your day?  Did you play with your boyfriend Ben?  Lets go get in the car, it's almost kibble time."  After checking with the staff that she was a good girl, we walked out the door and jumped into the car.  B was asleep in her car seat in a matter of minutes.  She had had a great day at day care. I know pethedic. 

Petty Crime and other fine things

Finally the cold has been past on to some unsuspecting person and I’m feeling better.  It was worth it, I learned how to spell phlegm.  Who knew it had a G?  Then again, I’m not known for my spelling. In 7^th grade we were asked to read aloud.  When it was my turn, I came to the  word “determine.”  Unfortunately I said Dee-Ter-Mine.  The class broke up in laughter.  With only a minor scar, the incident passed and life went on. Until a few years ago I went to my 20 year class reunion.  An old friend I hadn't seen in years walked up to me and said “do you remember Dee-Ter-Mine?” My God, it was a human elephant right there at my 20 year reunion.   

Today’s installment of crime doesn’t pay comes from I-696 in Farmington Hills Michigan.  On Saturday we were heading down the freeway and saw flashing lights up ahead.  The individuals that are court ordered for community service were on the side of the freeway picking up trash.  A police SUV was behind them and a road commission flat bed truck was in front.  On top of the flat bed was a porta potty. If the trash pickers have to use the bathroom, they have to get up on the back of the truck and go into the porta potty and do their business for all of I-696 to see. You know people honk when the person goes in or out of that john.  I would.  Even petty crime doesn’t pay.

Tonight is the first political debate and the last Tiger game of the season.  It is a hard choice but I'm going with the one that is least likely to cause me to stick a fork in my eye... The Tigers! I would like to see a debate in the format of Dancing with the Stars.  Obama goes out and shows his moves and the crowd cheers/boos and judges give him scores.  Then Romney does the same.   Then the people get to call in and vote on their performance. Much more interesting than anything Jim Lehrer has planned.    

It has been a long week....

Nothing like starting out the week with a bad cold that gets worse and worse.  I know I said I would spare you the gross details and I will...except for this observation:  The older I get and the harder I sneeze or cough, the quicker I have to run to the bathroom. I'm just saying......

When you have a cold, people feel the need to share their most recent cold experience with you.  One person told me about her colds during the last 12 months, including the color of her phlegm. She was very proud.  Another person pointed out that, due to her recent cold, she had decided to dress as "Mucus" for Halloween. My blank stare clearly indicated my confusion and she explained that "Mucus" is a character in the Musinex commercials.  Forgive me for not following.

On Monday afternoon, I gave into peer pressure and left work at 3:00pm.  I stayed home for 2 days in a medicated stooper.  Subjected myself to hours of political ads, crime stories and news.  I think I like the news stories about people that get caught doing stupid stuff. Like the robber that crashed his car trying to get away. He was still able to drive his wrecked car. At some point on his journey to the "hideout" he realized his license place fell off so he went back to the crime scene (swarming with cops) to retrieve it.  "Uhhh, excuse me officer, have you, uhhh, seen a license plate laying around here?  Uhh, yeah that's it. Thanks." Go to Jail, do not collect $200.  Last night they stopped a drunk guy in Royal Oak wearing nothing but his t-shirt.  Can't really remember a time when I was that drunk that I got naked in public...well, never mind.  Anyway, I heard Randy Travis' name mentioned the other day.  I feel sorry for this guy.  Twice now, he has gotten drunk as a skunk and naked as a jay bird and headed down to a gas station.  He walks in and demands cigarettes.  Unfortunately his birthday suit didn't have any pockets.  Here comes the cops. Or the dude that thought he should jump on the back of the alligator that wondered out of the canal in his neighborhood and try to tie a rope around it.  Alligator 1.  Dumb guy 0. 

So to make my healing speed up, I headed to the chiropractor on Wednesday for an adjustment.  All went well and I no longer felt like a human phlegm ball. Sorry for the visual.  Heading back from Ferndale, I detoured through my old neighborhood in Redford.  I lived there for 12 years.  It was nice to see the house.  It hadn't changed much.  However, the "Clampets" have moved out of the house next door.  It appeared a nice new family had moved in.  I miss the Clampets at times.  A 1000 square foot three bedroom ranch with 2 parents, 5 kids, 2 dogs, 1 cat, 4 cousins, 1 aunt and weekly visits by the local cops.  It was like living next to reality TV.  Three favorite memories:

A.  Drove home one day, pulled into my driveway to find that the Clampet kids had taken chalk and drew all over it.  I didn't mind that.  I did mind that they had staged a crime scene and it looked like cops had drawn outlines of dead bodies, guns, bullet casings and they put yellow ribbon up along the property line. 

B.  One day I was looking out the front window at the 4 year old Clampet that walked around talking to herself and petting imaginary animals.  She is very creative I suspect.  Anyway, she walks in front of my house, pulls down her pants and squats on the sidewalk and urinates.  I opened the door and yelled, "hey kid, pee on your own sidewalk for once!"

C.  After work one day I arrived home to find 4 police cars in front of the Clampets and my home.  Mrs. Clampet is outside screaming "My Baby. Someone has my Baby."  Police are knocking on doors, looking in homes.  I open my garage for the officer and he looks around and leaves.  I go into the house and change into warmer clothes because I was going to help look.  I head outside to ask Cousin Clampet what is going on and he says "Angie's missing."  I said which one is Angie and he says the 4 year old that talks to herself. (AKA the urinator).  I grab my flashlight, like I know what I'm doing, and head outside. Suddenly I hear the Sargent yell "Open the *(&^% garage door."  Mrs. Clampet runs into the house and pushes the remote.  All of a sudden the Sargent walks out of the garage with Angie, the urinator.  Mrs. Clampet starts yelling "My Baby My Baby."  The Sargent walks up to Mrs. Clampet and says "What in the hell was she doing in the garage?"  With a straight face Mrs. Clampet says "I must of forgot she was sleeping in the car." Sargent turned around, looked at me, Cousin Clampet and the other neighbors and walked away.

Star bright. Star light. I wonder where the Clampets are tonight.

Sick As A Dog

I said this morning that I was "sick as a dog." What does that mean?  I'm home sick today and my dog is snuggling with me on the couch.  She is perfectly healthy and happy.  I'm a lot sicker than her.  I'm also bored out of my tree.  Just to be clear, if I were in a tree, I wouldn't be bored.  Actually I'd be amazed that I was able to get up into the tree.  But I'm not in a tree, I'm on the couch.

I'm amazed at amount of grossness one can create when sick.  I will spare you the details, but I want to point out that toilet paper is softer than Kleenex.  So I sit here on the couch with my roll of toilet paper, sleeping dog and enough NyQuil to to tranquilize a horse. 

There is nothing on TV.  They are running political ads back to back.  Why don't they just create a political station and run the ads only on that station.  If someone wants to hear them, they can tune in and enjoy them.  Meanwhile, the rest of us don't have to listen to the ads.  It's not like they are going to change anyones mind.  Somewhat entertaining is the update on the corruption trial of the former Mayor of Detroit, Kwame Killpatrick and $90,000 that was stuffed into a vacuum cleaner bag.  What makes you choose the vacuum cleaner bag to hide money? My first thought is a safe in the closet or a suitcase.  But a vacuum cleaner bag?

Well I'm off to check in and see what pain Dr. Phil is subjecting people to. 

e

Road Closed

About a week ago, Oakland County closed Nine Mile Road in front of our house to repair a gas line.  The County put a flashing sign up at the end of the street that said “Road closed starting 09/12/12.”  They also put an orange and white barrier stating “Road Closed to Through Traffic.”  Clearly the road is closed.

For the last week, I have been amazed at the number of people that continue to drive the mile down to the front of my house, see the road really is closed, and turn around. I wonder what those people were thinking. Do they think the road is “kinda sorta closed?” Then I realized why the people of Michigan drive the way they do.  The road signs “kinda sorta” apply to them.  They are only a suggestion.  Speed limit is 70mph plus 10.  No right turn on red, not if no one is looking. 

I do have to admit that the closed road has been a pain.  It has taken me 10 minutes longer to get home. Every time I want to go somewhere, it seemed to be in that direction. It was getting old fast but this morning the heavens parted and the angels sang and the road was open again.

I Swear I Saw It!

I had a co-worker at my old job that adopted her first puppy.  He was adorable and she called him Gizmo.  Now Gizmo was the prince of Chris' world. He went everywhere with her. One day, Chris arrived from work and went in to change into her night clothes.  As usual, Gizmo was very excited and ran around the house and jumped on her lap.  Chris started to scratch his belly and discovered that he had two lumps on his lower abdomen.  Chris freaked!  She just knew it was cancer.  Chris grabbed Gizmo, tossed him in the car, and spead off to the vets office. Unfortunately, Chris forgot that she was still wearing her night gown, robe and hair net. She grabbed Gizmo out of the car, threw open the door and ran inside yelling that someone "needs to look at my Gizzy!" Startled, the Vet tech takes Gizmo and Chris to an examine room.  The doctor comes in immediately and starts to examine Gizmo's lower abdomen and discovers the lumps are gone.  The doctors says to Chris "were they right here" (pointing) and she says "yes."  The doctor tries not to laugh and says "I'm sorry, but Gizmo was probably overly stimulated and those were his gonads."  Chris picked up Gizmo and walked out of the vet, not saying a word.

When Chris told me this story, it is one of the few times in my life where I laughed so hard my ribs hurt for hours.  I told Chris she needed to calm down and stop overreacting when it came to Gizmo.

Now to this past weekend. Vicki and I discovered that Beulah, our English Cocker Spaniel, had a "growth" under her arm.  We checked it everyday and decided to call the vet on Monday.  We knew it was something bad.  Beulah's mother had a pre-cancerous growth removed and we knew it was going to be the same for Beulah.  Yesterday, Vicki took Beulah in and the doctor lifted B's arm up and down, dug through the fur, sniffed B's arm pit and found nothing.  Diagnosis:  Dirty arm pit.  No charge for office visit.

Vicki picked up B and left the building. 

The Beginning

Life as I know it....

Now that is funny, what do I know....

I know that I recently decided to get back into writing after being inspired by several friends.  I miss writing. 
I know that if you look around there is usually something to laugh at. Even in my most troubling times, there is humor to be found. Life has been stressful lately and the more stress I carry the harder I look for the humor in things.  So when things strike me as funny, ironic, or just plain interesting, I'm going to write about them.

I know that I'm lucky to have people in my life that inspire me.

I know that I'm allergic to just about every plant on the planet.

I know that too many veggies causes me other issues.

and lastly I know that as long as I can laugh, everything will be ok.

e